Sounders GM Garth Lagerwey spent 21 hours in a Texas prison after being arrested at Dallas airport by local Texas police on the authority of the FBI.
The FBI had been investigating wrongdoing in New Jersey where the corpulent Governor Chris Christie is accused of so many things that it’s impossible to list them all here.
Most recently he is accused of (in no particular order) ordering unnecessary roadworks at the taxpayers’ expense, closing down a bridge to punish a town because its Mayor wouldn’t endorse him, lying about being a moderate so he could get elected in New Jersey and lying about being a misogynistic nutcase so he could win the Republican nomination for President.
Many national political observers thought the aspects of personal vindictiveness, abuse of power, dishonesty, wasting taxpayers’ money and using public funds for his personal gain might end his political career, as his stock with decent minded people plummeted.
However it has made a him a front runner for the Republican nomination for President as they search from someone saner than Rand Paul, Protestanter-er than Marco Rubio and less bushy than Jeb Bush. (Also someone whose name you can let your kids google unlike Rick Santorum.)
Up until now, events in New Jersey had not touched on the un-American bubble n which Major League Soccer lives.
But further revelations in New Jersey on Saturday that Christie had threatened to eat a local journalist and deposit his remains in the Hudson River forced the FBI to issue a warrant to detain the Governor for further questioning.
The unfortunate series of mishaps began to unfold when they circulated a photo of Christie that was taken 12 months ago before he lost 60 pounds to shape up for the campaign.
As everyone in Houston knows, Dallas people aren’t the brightest and one of the Dallas Airport policeman, Sgt Wayne “Bubba” Conlon had just pulled the communique out of the fax machine when the Sounders party began to arrive for their flight home.
Sgt Conlon told the Dallas Morning Herald:
“I just gone saw the face on the paper the feds sent me and then there he was – right n front of me – walking through my airport like some kind of northern Yankee uppity fancy dan. So I thought this was my big chance to shine, to show the chief I ain’t no moron, and I gone and went and arrested him.”
Lagerwey protested that he was not a New Jersey politician but a DC lawyer because everybody with half a brain knows nothing impresses a southerner like saying that you’re a lawyer from Washington DC.
“He went and gotten all smart mouth on me,” wrote Conlon in his official report.
“He said he wasn’t the fella we was looking for. But ah’m no idiot. He looked just like the fella in the picture. So me, and five of my colleagues, gone dragged him to the cells. He’s now gotta face justice and the lord.”
Sergeant Conlon was a finalist in Texas’ cleverest cops on TX.com
Lagerwey was then taken to the Texas State Penitentiary and subjected to horrific treatment unheard of in Seattle.
Country music was pumped into his cell and worse than that, he was visited by Pastor Rick Warren who kept asking him for donations and inquiring if his wife might be lonely while he was in prison.
Lagerwey thought his ordeal was over when the Prison Governor visited his cell but the Governor only wanted to know if Lagerwey could think of a better method of executing three men on death row because they had run out of toxins and Federal Law prevents them from clubbing the inmate about the head while high on Jack Rabbit and moonshine.
“They were complicated legal questions,” said the Governor from his regular seat at Treasures, a Houston lap dancing club.
The Governor then leant him a nice fleece jacket for the mugshot.
While in Texas prison, Lagerwey was forced to share a cell with some very dangerous men known well to the Texas Department of Corrections
One was 22-year-old Trayman Thomson, serving a 10 year sentence for walking on the cracks in the sidewalk which is a very serious offence in some parts of East Texas. Also inside the cell was DeSharon McDell who was on remand for ‘looking at a Texas State Trooper in a funny way‘, apparently also a criminal offence in areas near the Louisiana border.
“My conditions were horrific,” bemoaned Lagerwey later from the civilization of the Starbucks at Dallas airport.
“Earl Thomas Conley is just awful. Have you heard the lyrics of ‘Your Good Girl’s Gonna Go Bad‘? The premise of the song makes no sense.
“And ‘This Time I’ve Hurt Her More Than She Loves Me‘ ? I mean, it’s got this line ‘I been drinking much as she been thinking‘ – who talks in that ridiculously maudling way? Not even Bob Lenarduzzi and we’ve had a few great late night conversations after the whisky and altitude has kicked in.
“There was this one called ‘Brother Jukebox‘. It’s so miserable. It made being a Rapids fan seem a joyous uplifting experience. And don’t get me started on Pam Tillis. She recorded an album called ‘Above and Beyond the Doll of Cutey‘. Even the name sounds like a sequel to Bride of Chucky.
“And Radney Foster sounds like that anthem singer in Columbus that Oba does an impression of on layovers. You gotta check that out by the way.”
Lagerwey borrowed the Governor’s clothes for his mugshot
Asked what the food was like in prison, Lagerwey retorted that ‘he had never criticized food in his life’ and wasn’t going to start now but it was unlikely he would recommend chicken fried chicken fried steak and grits to the caterers in Seattle.
“There’s a lot I saw down there people in Seattle wouldn’t tolerate.”
“Like zero shots on target,” quipped Brad Evans who was standing nearby with a baseball cap on back-to-front before Adrian Hanauer gave him one of his patented frosty stares he learned about from reading Paddington Bear books as a teenager.
“Don’t wanna be a center half,” Evans muttered as he slouched away with his hands in his pockets.
About to fly back in Seattle, Lagerwey was furious about the misunderstanding.
“Ask Jason Kreis, I look nothing like that fat bastard in New Jersey. Jason was always going on about how little I looked like him. I don’t talk like him, agree with him or operate like him.
“I mean, I’m a Seattleite now. If I’d wanted to shut down a bridge, inconvenience the public and endanger lives just to prove a petty political point, I’d have just signed one of those Tim Eyman initiatives.”
At that point a wide and proud smile came over Hanauer’s face.
“He’s now one of us,” the native Seattleite beamed with pride in his twinkling eye. “He’s truly one of us.”
And together they walked away towards the flight that would take them back to the 21st century whistling The Bluest Skies as they went.
THE FREE GARTH LAGERWEY SONG
(To the tune of ‘Free Nelson Mandela’)
21 hours in captivity
Are you so blind you cannot see?
He looks nothing like
Chris Christie
Free-eee Garth Lagerwey
Is it a reason to send him to hell
Because he used to work for
RSL?
Is your closed mind so darn set
To make him listen to Tammy Wynette?
Free-eee Garth Lagerwey
Free-eee Garth Lagerwey
Free-eee Garth Lagerwey
Free-eee-eee Garth Lagerwey
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