After a week of stuffing, turkey, and apple pie we are back to the FIFA Presidential Power Rankings! While many of us were stuffing our faces with all sorts of delicious food this week the FIFA Presidential candidates were globe-trekking telling wealthy voters what they are thankful. Each candidate had something interesting to say but it was ex-FIFA President Sepp Blatter’s seemingly finding religion that takes the top prize of Shit That My FIFA Official Says:
“I was close to dying. I was between the angels who were singing and the devil who was lighting the fire, but it was the angels who sang. The pressure was enormous. At some stage the body just says, ‘No, enough is enough.’ But if you are strong psychologically you can resist.”-Sepp Blatter
Now there are two ways that one can read Blatter’s comment. The first is that if you could take it that Blatter has a stronger mind than god herself. Perhaps Blatter should be sent to the top secret military location where the The Ark is hidden. It did not work out well for the German officer at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark…
Second, why would the devil need to light another fire? Isn’t hell already hot enough? Or perhaps the devil is vain, much like the guy from your high school who brings out his best ride when trying to score with chicks. I wonder what the devil would think if Blatter he saw the devil going down to hell..
Devil: Crap! Sepp Blatter is on the highway towards hell! I guess I have to make a giant fire first and shine my hooves since Earth’s biggest douche is heading southward.
So unless anyone wants to pull out their golden fiddle and play the devil a tune let’s get week to this week’s rankings:
5.) Tokyo Sexwale
The manifesto is here! Yes, the Sexiwale campaign released their long-awaited manifesto which should finally shed some light on perhaps the least known candidate. The good news for those who are looking for change in the footballing community is that Sexwale appears to be interested in fighting corruption and for reforming the Executive Committee (or at least removing UEFA’s pesky dominance). He even hits out against the horrible Confederation known as ‘CONNEBOL’. Those cheeky bastards have had it coming for years!
But Sexwale will likely upset football traditionalists with his willingness to look at putting the names and logos of sponsors on national team jerseys. How dare he ask the national teams to put logos on jerseys created by Nike, Adidas, Reebok, and Converse (well, maybe not converse..) Would this mean that Nike could get into a sponsorship to have their logos placed on jerseys that were made by Adidas?
Apparently Kaizer Chiefs chairman Kaizer Montaung (A former player in the original North American Soccer League. America!) did not care for these new rules as he got off the Sexwale campaign. But hey, at least he still has this killer theme song:
4.) Jerome Champagne
After taking a week off to respect the situation currently going on in France it is time to get back to having some fun. Although the Champagne has not really done much this week we still have yet to mention perhaps his campaign’s “best” idea yet: the orange card!
For those wondering how the orange card would work it would essentially serve as a notice to the player that they have committed a foul. The player then would go into a “sin bin” for a set amount of time. This would work much in the same way a penalty box does in hockey.
This idea may be bad for many reasons (get ready for an increase in diving) it does open itself up for many great nicknames. Chelsea’s can be called Costa’s Corner while Sunderland can get their own Corner of the Cattermole variety. In MLS, the Lenhart line will adorn the San Jose Earthquakes home park while D.C. United’s new stadium will be a throwback:RFK Stadium.
3.) His Royal Highness Prince Ali Al Hussein
And the award for First FIFA presidential nominee to take advantage of the Paris terrorist situation goes to Prince Ali Al Hussein! The good prince told Associated Press writer Rob Harris, “Nobody would debate whether France can host a game tomorrow and that should not be the case in other countries in the world.”
While one could look at this quote and think that the good prince was making an honest assessment of security at football matches in reality he is making a FIFA political statement. Rather than taking this a chance to talk openly about security at football stadium in the developing world, of which there is often none, instead he takes this as a chance to court votes from the FIFA electorate. As it always seems with FIFA the power is not with countries like France or the United States but rather the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Palestine, and Guatemala, bastions of stability and order.
2.) Sheikh Salman Bin Ebrahim Al Khalifa
The Sheikh holds steady at the number two spot this week after receiving the support from the Asian Football Confederation’s Executive Committee. The Executive Committee is a 24 person body of unknown members from the AFC. The exact voting breakdown is also not known although it is known that invisible ink is used and that votes can only be read when reading each ballot over a candlelight.
The AFC does hold considerable power in the footballing world but whether or not the entire confederation, which stretches from Jordan to Australia, will vote in unison is another question. In the past these nations seem to vote in blocs due to collusion uhm I mean sharing like-minded values. But this is a new era in international football with openness, honesty and transparency!
1.) Gianni Infantino
The Calvin Coolidge of FIFA leaps to the top of the pack this week after the Grand Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader were both given bad news about their appeals from the FIFA Ethics Committee. Infantino was also given a modest boost after it was revealed that CONMEBOL would support his campaign to be FIFA President. In an interview with World Soccer CONMEBOL President Juan Napout said, “We have spoken with Gianni to set out what is needed.”
Well that is good to hear. CONMEBOL might be about 40 years behind the curve, what with their club teams working as feeder clubs for not just European club sides but also for North and Central American sides as well. Also their ten person voting bloc is kind of like the Nordic countries voting together during a UN General Assembly. It is nice, it is cute, and perhaps during the 1960’s it might have made a dent. But the world has changed and in many ways CONMEBOL has been left behind.
