Sounders prepare for all eventualities by training against ten men

Sounders FC have found a new way to make their training sessions more realistic.

They are diverting some time from their 11 v 11 scrimmages and have accepted the reality that they play against ten men more often than not.

This weekend Kellyn Acosta was dismissed in the 18th minute of their match in Dallas. In Sounders previous outing, San Jose defender Victor Bernardez was politely asked to leave the pitch in 58.

Sounders failed to pierce the Dallas defence despite having a man advantage for over 70 minutes and did not even manage a shot on goal. With home advantage and a man up, they even managed to lose to San Jose who hitherto had not won a match since dinosaurs were roaming the earth looking for a shop that sold toilet paper.

The inability to profit from these situations has already cost points and the club has acted quickly.

This morning at training, Sounders pioneered their first eleven v ten training game which head coach Schmid believes will reflect more accurately the conditions they will face in MLS.

He told the Seattle media pack:

“Officially I’m going to moan all year that the referees cost us the match. I know you’ll back this up unquestioningly like you always have.

“Unofficially, 2015 looks like a repeat of whatever that year was where we played almost every game against ten men. So I’m going to prepare them to make sure they damn well score when we are,” he said.

Schmid is nothing if not thorough. Sounders are not only going to rehearse playing against ten men but practice obtaining the advantage in the first place.

“We’re leaving nothing to chance. We have to dedicate the opening period of a match to getting opponents sent off. Have you seen the Cristiano Ronaldo video when he was at Man U? He’s pure genius.”

So realistic does Schmid want to make the playing conditions that he has asked injured Osvaldo Alonso to play the part of the referee.

“He does it anyway during games so why not?” chuckled Obafemi Martins with a grin that suggests he could play in this league with his eyes shut.

Among other things the Sounders are practising are surrounding the referee. Schmid has had them rewatch the Chelsea v Paris St Germain match three times and making that gesture where you wave an imaginary card in the referee’s face which always works. Always.

The brainchild behind the controversial technique is new General Manager Garth Lagerwey.

“We used to have that lad Morales at RSL. He was brilliant at getting opponents sent off,” he said after looking over his shoulder and making sure Zach Scott was not within hearing distance.

“We used to joke he could get the Mormon King sent off the throne,” he zinged waiting for a reaction from a silent press core. “Guess that joke doesn’t travel,” he frowned before asking the media not to print it in case the Mormons put a curse on his realtor.

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Whitecaps sell something that belongs to them shocker

In a shock revelation to come out of Vancouver, it has been alleged that the Vancouver Whitecaps tried to sell something that actually belonged to them.

“Normally, we associate our Front Office with profiting from something they have no right to, so I was astonished when I found out they actually did something both legal and ethical,” said one Vancouver Southsider who wished to remain anonymous, though the statistical probability is that he is called Brett.

In their first MLS year, the Whitecaps sold away derby tickets to a corporate sponsor even though they had struck an agreement that those tickets belonged to the Supporters Group, the Southsiders.

Earlier this season, they produced Kings of Cascadia scarves using a likeness of the Cascadia Cup which as everyone knows is the personal property of Rachel Lewis, Grand Nagus of the Vancouver Whitecaps.

The current disturbing turn of events is something unheard of and was described by another anonymous Southsider, probably also called Brett:

“I am shocked that they would sink so low. The thing they are selling clearly belongs to them. They have never done anything like this before.

“This is not the Whitecaps I know,” he sobbed.

We attempted to reach Ms Lewis for comment through the club’s Director of Communications who did not return our email or our call or apparently anybody else’s calls.

However, two hours later a junior sub-assistant intern called Brian Monkdot called to scream a series of expletive-laden obscenities down the phone while insisting we can always come to him for comment when none of his colleagues answer communications.

On the field, the Whitecaps have made a superb start to the season with three wins, and off it they are also looking forward to a very profitable season off the field with high hopes expected for their line of Timbers Army scarves, World Wildlife Fund baseball hats and Clinton 2016 bumper stickers.

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