Harry Kane’s name lends itself to tabloid punnery
Photo: THFC
Harry Kane sends English tabloids into pun heaven
by Chris ‘Torquay’ Ballard
This week in the Premier League, the Saturday TV fixtures were billed as “Derby Day” which – contrary to what those mint julep quaffing lunatics in Kentucky would have you believe – is when local or cross-town clubs face off against each other.
The early game turned out be a victory for perennial under-achievers Tottenham over more-recent-underacheivers Arsenal. Arsenal scored early before Tottenham’s Harry Kane scored twice to send writers of tabloid headlines into a frenzy.
The red-tops in the UK love nothing more than a striker with a punnable name.
Michael Owen was always “g-owen” to do something, Ian Wright could do no wrong, and Mark Bright illuminated the stadium. Whether or not these things were actually accurate was beside the point.
After all, these are august publications like the Sun, the Mirror, and the now defunct yet entirely unmissed News of the World. “Let us not worry about facts” – they’d cry – “We’ve got ad space to sell and nothing shifts papers like a good old Peter Crouch Stoops To Conquer headline.
Harry Kane continues this trend, and even though I no longer read these newspapers (or even look at the pictures) I can be pretty certain there has been a storm warning at White Hart Lane of late.
If the preceding paragraph meant that it took longer to get to the Merseyside derby, that is no mistake.
In contrast to the earlier match, this was a true elevator fart of a game. It was a total stinker, everybody felt awkward and embarrassed, yet nobody knew who to really blame. The only thing memorable about it was the kick off – like an aged skier, it all went downhill from there.
Liverpool, at least, were able to atone in midweek with a thrilling 3-2 victory over Spurs (“Harry Kane blows though scouse defence”), thanks in part to a goal Mario Balotelli; proving that while £16m can buy you a top class striker, it also gets you a guy whose only goal in more than a dozen games is a finish from 18 inches out into an open goal.
Meanwhile, at the top end of the table, Chelsea look to be pulling further away. Two victories in a few days further increased the gap as Man City toiled for a point at home to Hull before going to Stoke on a wet Wednesday evening to skewer both the home side and tired clichés. The fat lady might not be singing yet, but she is in the green room hoovering up the last half a dozen Danish pastries.
For those teams close to the trapdoor – and it’s not an actual trap door, alas, which would at least make post match interviews more interesting – it was generally another week of misery. Aston Villa continued their modern dance interpretation of 11 strangers in a field and lost twice (and in a last desperate act fired Paul Lambert on Wednesday morning), Burnley could only manage one point in the 2 games, and Leicester lost both (one at home to a resurgent Pardew-led Crystal Palace).
Any of the bottom 9 could go down – Newcastle are have probably just about kept a big enough gap in 11th – although it appears to be Crystal Palace and Hull who making the most of the recent run of games. Now is the time of year when fans of bad teams tend to spend as much time keeping an eye for rivals’ results as they do their own, and it’s likely that at least one of the relegation places will still be undecided come the last day of the season.
That Everton-Liverpool game, though. Ouch. I’d relegate them both just for that.
Also See:
London Calling: Because of Kane, will Arsenal be Able to have a St Totteringham’s Day?
Some very non-traditional minnows in race for EPL gravy train
With just four black managers, is it time for an NFL-style Rooney rule in English football?
